I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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