Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
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