I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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