No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
