shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
