Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
