i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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