Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
