my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Randomize
