guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
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