he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
