My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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