How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Randomize
