I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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