i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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