Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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