I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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