why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
