Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
