Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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