Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
