I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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