Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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