my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
