tell your sister to shave her snatch
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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