so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
