i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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