No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Randomize
