Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
