Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
