our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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