I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
im having a threesome with these popsicles
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
