I'm sorry my penis didn't work
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
