There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
