Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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