YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
