If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize