so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
