Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
