There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
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