Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
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