News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
