Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
