There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
