I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize