just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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