dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize