Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize