I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
