woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
