oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
i think my cat just said my name.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
