quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
