then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
