you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
