the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
