Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
