WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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